The question of 'I Do'

Apologies for the long delay between posts, people!

So, here we are in 2010, and I have less than 8 months until I'm a married woman. That started me thinking once again about the whys, ways and means of undertaking such a big commitment. Romantic ideals, as put forward by Hollywood rom-coms and chick-lit still propose that the goal of a relationship is marriage, and that a man putting that ring on her finger is all a woman needs to make her life complete. On several levels, this was once true. In the past, when men worked and women stayed at home to run the household and raise a family, a woman needed the security of a husband who could provide for her. To be unwed past a certain age also often meant social disregard for a woman, and scorn poured on her and her family. In addition, the legal benefits of marriage were great, and religious and social norms proscribed that children were born in wedlock.

In today's society, of course, there is a lot more freedom. Women have their own money, homes, social freedom and security. It is much more common for children to be born to unmarried parents and for couples to live together without marriage. There are still legal benefits, but even that is changing to reflect the complexity of today's society and the various links that are forged between people.

So, the question remains. Why do so many of us still get married? For us, it is the opportunity to commit to each other, in front of family and friends, and to be, to an extent, traditional. But many of my friends are married couples who have never actually gone through a marriage ceremony. They have children together, a mortgage, and are as committed to each other as any other married couple. Then there are those who claim they will never marry, and make jokes every time family or friends bring the subject up. Again, they are couples sharing a home and very much in love.

Thirdly, there are those who are in same-sex relationships. Some of them have, or are planning to enter into, a civil partnership, essentially getting married. But others claim they won't do this until their marriage is seen and performed in exactly the same way as heterosexual couples.

And, then, if you do decide to get married, the options are almost endless as to how to proceed. This is where you really need to communicate with your partner, to think hard about what it is you really want and who you really are. Hopefully you will do this only once in your life and it has to be what you both want, and not what families want or what you think you should want. Obviously, compromises should be made and opinions gathered, but make sure you yourself, and your partner of course, are happy.

Do you go for a big religious wedding? A small family affair? A modern registry office ceremony? Perhaps you can combine various religious elements, or have blessings in a church or synagogue after a civil ceremony? What about a pagan wedding, or taking your vows on the beach, under water, or sky-diving?

Then there are the vows - traditional? Religious? Modern? Taken from a book or poetry and readings? Written yourself?

There's so much to think about, and J and I are in the midst of that right now. Some things are settled. Some are almost settled, and others are still up in the air. It's fun. It's exciting. It's stressful, but it's interesting. Now, where did I put that book of wedding readings...?!