The Ring's The Thing

This weekend we went to collect my wedding ring from the jewellers. Yes, my ring. Not our rings. Because, unusually, J wanted his own engagement ring when we first got engaged. And I was more than happy to buy one for him. Previously to popping the question, we'd talked in vague terms about getting married, engagement, and looked at rings in shop windows. J had an idea of the sort of ring I'd like and dislike, and that was about it. He chose wisely, though, and my engagement ring is a very pretty white gold ring with two small diamonds and a slightly unusual twist to the band. It's very me.

When it came to J's engagement ring, we went and chose it together. He had already seen a couple of rings he liked, and wanted my opinion before we made a final decision together. The end result was a wide titanium band with a thin band of white gold running through the middle. Very stylish, and very J. It's original, slightly geeky and very strong (they couldn't adjust the metal but had to order one in his size especially).

Although I loved my engagement ring on sight and wanted to wear it immediately (I couldn't, it was too small!) it did take me some time to get used to wearing it. Now, I have my wedding ring waiting to be worn, and this, I feel, will take even longer to get used to, with all it's symbolism, and the fact that this is my wedding ring and what I shall wear for the rest of my life. With all that in mind, the idea of it is somewhat daunting. In addition, I wanted something that matches my personality, and that also matched J and I as a couple. I feel that we already have that in our engagement rings, and for many people, it seems, the engagement ring, although technically the less important, is the more expensive, flashy one. The one everyone notices.

I wanted to be slightly different, though. For a start, I don't wear yellow gold, usually silver. Therefore the traditional choice of a yellow gold band was out. We then made the decision that J would use his engagement ring as his wedding ring, as it is such a lovely ring and suits him so well that I wouldn't want him not to wear it anymore. But, being a rather wide band, there would be no space for that and a wedding band. So it would become the wedding band. I myself am very keen on the style of the titanium band, but it was rather wide. Would I be able to have something similar for myself, or would I have to opt for a white gold band?

In the end, as is often the case, the decision and logistics were amazingly easy. We inquired in the jewellers where we had bought J's ring, as to whether they made a thinner, women's version. In fact, they could just take the existing men's ring and order it to be made in a thinner, smaller size.

Four weeks later, I have an exact match for J's ring, only thinner and more feminine. All of the detail is still there, and it is much more interesting to me than a plain gold band. In addition, the two wedding rings now match. It's interesting how much thought can go into such things, and what your choices can say about you to other people. The range of engagement rings is immense, and the choice of wedding rings is now also growing. I know I've made the right choice, though, and I'm looking forward to being able to wear both rings together in three and a half months time, and get used to the feel of a wedding ring on my finger!


Until next time...

All the small things...

Coming up to the four-month mark, we now seem rather bogged down by all the small details. I'm not necessarily complaining, but I'm beginning to realise now just how much detail and organisation goes into a large wedding - and that's with the venue arranging much of it! The to-do lists get bigger, the pile of wedding magazines grow and then comes the time when you start waking up at 3am with a mental note to email or phone so-and-so, or the fact that a certain cousin has been left off the invite list! And, yes, this is with four months still to go. My admiration for anyone able to arrange a wedding within three to six months - start to finish - just grows and grows.

So, the table plans are roughed out, the invitations about to be sent, the dress and shoes bought, hair and make-up considered, flowers and music decided about, the ceremony details roughly arranged with registrar, and even the ring is on order. It really is down to the details, confirmations, crossing the t's and dotting the i's. As long as our guests turn up...

J has taken to calling me a bridezilla, and although I disagree, I can see myself getting carried away and I can, perhaps more worryingly, see how brides can get to the point of monstrosity. When it's all about the details, all the big decisions have been made, it's easy to focus on the somewhat inconsequential and begin to stop seeing the wood for the trees. The flowers have to be that exact shade, the shoes have to have that exact size heel, the table plan can't allow that aunt next to that cousin, the wording on the invitations and menu cards has to be formal yet warm... The list is almost endless.

And yet.

And yet details are important. Details are what make a whole, what make up life, and certainly can make the difference between a perfect day and just a lovely day. As a writer, and particularly as a poet, I recognise the importance of choice and detail - the change of just one word can change a whole poem. But that's not to say that the day, or poem, will be destroyed if one thing is not exactly as originally imagined. And in the end, the whole is more than the sum of it's parts, and the devil is in the details!!

All the Fun of the Fayre

Wedding fayres. To attend or not to attend, that is the question. Much like the over-concentration of wedding/bridal magazines in the shops, there appears to be an overwhelming number of wedding fayres and shows taking place for the curious bride and groom to attend. But how useful are they?

Attending a wedding fayre can seem somewhat like entering Wonderland through the rabbit hole. It's another world - outfits, cars, flowers, cake, music, venues. If you're just starting to think about your wedding, you begin to realise just how much there is to decide and organise. If you're further along, you can see how varied and large your options on cake, flowers, outfits, cars and music can be. You stand there in the middle of it all, trying to take it all in and work out where to start, feeling special and the centre of attention as the bride and groom. But then what?

Well, I would suggest, just one thing at a time, and don't start thinking too hard about it all until you've been to every stall, picked up the leaflets and brochures, eaten the samples, and can take a breath. Then you can look through all you've gathered and start to make some mental notes about what may or may not be useful.

I've attended two wedding fayres now; one with J and one with some friends. Both were fun, and informative to an extent. However, I'm still not entirely sure just how useful they were. The first, at the Brighton Hilton, included a fashion show, plenty of samples of wedding cakes, flower and car displays. In fact, I did like the dresses displayed by one bridal shop so much that they are who I've ordered my dress from. The rest added up to a fun afternoon, together with a little bit of food for thought and some ideas to take home. The second, at the Brighton Pavilion, showed off the Pavilion as a wedding venue, included examples of music and flower displays, but was ultimately a little disappointing. I was expecting a larger number of exhibitors, more use of the space available.

I think wedding fayres - like wedding magazines - can be useful and interesting. But don't begin to think that they are all there is to organising a wedding - you don't have to have what they're offering and you don't have to be swept along by all the offers and packages available. Definitely have fun and pick up ideas and information, but at the end of the day, the wedding is about you. The day is yours, and your wedding should be exactly what you want - both of you - no more, no less. It is too easy to get carried away, get stressed out, worry endlessly about the exact shade of the flowers or the bridesmaids dresses, and, in short, turn into a complete 'bridezilla'! But while a wedding should be the best day of your life, don't forget that it is about the two of you, your love and commitment to one another.


Until next time...

'If Music be the Food of Love...'

As the Shakespearian quote above states, there is a long-acknowledged relationship between romance and music. Nowhere is this more clear than with the issue of the wedding first dance. Bridal magazines are full of suggestions for what music to use for your big day, how it can fit in with your theme or venue, and lists of the most popular songs for first dances.

Music is almost as important an accompaniment to the big day as the food and flowers, and the choice of music for your reception entertainment and for the ceremony itself is also a huge decision. On YouTube you can find examples of choreographed walks down the aisle, and in every wedding magazine and website there are lists of musicians, singers, DJs, bands, string quartets, trios, pianists, and harpists. You can go for the traditional "Here Comes the Bride" or "Wedding March", or an elegant classical piece by Mozart or Chopin.

There are companies specialising in dance classes and workshops especially for that all-important dance as husband and wife. You can choose a classic, romantic song such as "Your Song", "The Way You Look Tonight" or "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing'. Or, as a friend of mine did, dance to a fun salsa piece. Then there are those couples who opt for a more contemporary feel, with a dance or R 'n' B song. Or a glitzy, choreographed number.

Thinking about the choice of music reminds me once again of my initial thoughts on the links between weddings and writing. You have all the 'characters' or elements, the research and planning, and the editing. The bringing it all together; the theme; the genre. And music is a big part of bringing it all together and creating an atmosphere and theme. There seems to be parts of organising a wedding that compare to writing a novel - the research and planning, the tweaking and editing. But then there are many elements that remind me of writing poetry - the importance of finding that perfect word or image, and how the whole is more than the sum of its parts. The overall concept and image just works if each element is perfect. You can search around and try out different words and images - or different dresses, flower and music ideas, but when it fits, it just fits.

Personally, J and I have opted for simple elegance as a general theme for our big day, and as part of that we have chosen a string quartet for our ceremony and reception and a DJ for the evening entertainment. A mixture of classic romance and fun. Hopefully a variety of tunes, enjoyable for everyone. As we are not having a church wedding, the option of organ music was out, but the stylish yet elegant setting of our Victorian hotel allows for classical music. I will not be walking down the aisle to the "Wedding March" or 'Here Comes the Bride", wanting instead a classical piece that is graceful and light. And as for our first dance - I'll just keep that a surprise for now!

Until next time...

The question of 'I Do'

Apologies for the long delay between posts, people!

So, here we are in 2010, and I have less than 8 months until I'm a married woman. That started me thinking once again about the whys, ways and means of undertaking such a big commitment. Romantic ideals, as put forward by Hollywood rom-coms and chick-lit still propose that the goal of a relationship is marriage, and that a man putting that ring on her finger is all a woman needs to make her life complete. On several levels, this was once true. In the past, when men worked and women stayed at home to run the household and raise a family, a woman needed the security of a husband who could provide for her. To be unwed past a certain age also often meant social disregard for a woman, and scorn poured on her and her family. In addition, the legal benefits of marriage were great, and religious and social norms proscribed that children were born in wedlock.

In today's society, of course, there is a lot more freedom. Women have their own money, homes, social freedom and security. It is much more common for children to be born to unmarried parents and for couples to live together without marriage. There are still legal benefits, but even that is changing to reflect the complexity of today's society and the various links that are forged between people.

So, the question remains. Why do so many of us still get married? For us, it is the opportunity to commit to each other, in front of family and friends, and to be, to an extent, traditional. But many of my friends are married couples who have never actually gone through a marriage ceremony. They have children together, a mortgage, and are as committed to each other as any other married couple. Then there are those who claim they will never marry, and make jokes every time family or friends bring the subject up. Again, they are couples sharing a home and very much in love.

Thirdly, there are those who are in same-sex relationships. Some of them have, or are planning to enter into, a civil partnership, essentially getting married. But others claim they won't do this until their marriage is seen and performed in exactly the same way as heterosexual couples.

And, then, if you do decide to get married, the options are almost endless as to how to proceed. This is where you really need to communicate with your partner, to think hard about what it is you really want and who you really are. Hopefully you will do this only once in your life and it has to be what you both want, and not what families want or what you think you should want. Obviously, compromises should be made and opinions gathered, but make sure you yourself, and your partner of course, are happy.

Do you go for a big religious wedding? A small family affair? A modern registry office ceremony? Perhaps you can combine various religious elements, or have blessings in a church or synagogue after a civil ceremony? What about a pagan wedding, or taking your vows on the beach, under water, or sky-diving?

Then there are the vows - traditional? Religious? Modern? Taken from a book or poetry and readings? Written yourself?

There's so much to think about, and J and I are in the midst of that right now. Some things are settled. Some are almost settled, and others are still up in the air. It's fun. It's exciting. It's stressful, but it's interesting. Now, where did I put that book of wedding readings...?!

Image is Everything?

Wedding days often mean that everything has to be just right. The right music, the most perfect-colour flowers, delicious food, the guests all behaving themselves, perfect weather, rings not mislaid, and a groom and/or best man not hung over from the stag do. Most of all, it means a bride who can stand there at the altar in 'The Dress', make-up flawless, hair effortlessly styled, and, above all, looking as slim and beautiful as she has ever looked.

They say that a bride always looks lovely, but it certainly takes some work! With all the magazines, from Cosmo to Perfect Bride, telling us what's in and out of style and how to plan the perfect day, together with OK and Hello full of celebrities showing us how it's done, it's easy for a bride to feel inadequate. Now, I have The Dress, the venue is secured, a string quartet booked, and the days are beginning to speed ever closer to the big day.

With this in mind, but not purely for the sake of the wedding, I have begun using the Nintendo Wii Fit, and have actually lost over a stone during the past few months. Not that I believe that women have to be thin to be attractive, but that is the media-produced ideal in our society, and hard to fight. That being said, I know I could be a lot healthier and fitter, with losing weight being a large part of this, and so far, so good.

I recently published an article on the benefits and enjoyment of using the Wii Fit system. These include the lack of embarrassment and money spent on joining a gym, the ability to exercise in your own time in your own home, and the fun of competing against yourself, your partner, or your friends for higher and higher scores on each exercise-related 'game'. There is a varied mixture of aerobics, muscle toning, balance exercises, and yoga, together with a body test that measures posture, BMI and weight using the 'balance board'. It really is fun and good for you at the same time.

So, I'm not saying that I'm about to buy into the media and celebrity-created ideal of exactly what a bride should look like, but I do know I'd like to look my best on what will be one of the most important days of my life, so I'm sticking to the Wii Fit, and the diet, and come next September I just hope the photos show a welcome truth to all my hard work!

In-laws and Outlaws

This week we have had my future in-laws stay with us. I should start by saying that they are lovely people and we get on very well - I'm very lucky. Families are part of what make us who we are, for good or for bad, and I've noticed as I've grown older how much I take after my own parents, what I've gained from my upbringing. In turn, I've also noticed the similarities and differences between J and his parents. They've helped make him into the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. But, of course, he is also his own person. Just as I am.

In-laws are part of marriage; there is no escaping that, and from mother-in-law jokes to the films 'Father of the Bride' and 'Monster-in-Law', the stereotypes are deep within our culture. Parents and parents-in-law become characters larger than life around the time of weddings, much like the bride herself, and to a lesser extent, the groom. If the happy couple are the stars of the show, the parents of each are surely the supporting cast with their own moment in the spotlight.

They say that mothers and daughters can find themselves at odds during wedding arrangements, and I think that will have to be the topic of another blog post altogether! The potential tension with in-laws, and especially the initial meeting, is another thing completely. I had never been introduced to a boyfriend's family before J's and when I first met his parents I had no idea what to say; but they welcomed me, put me at ease and soon I felt part of the family. We had tea, and dinner with his brother and his brother's fiancee. We wandered around the town they lived in, which was new to me, the local park-grounds and old Roman ruins. A few weeks later I attended J's brother's wedding, where I met his extended family. It was a really beautiful occasion. I enjoyed myself immensely, and felt J's family to be lovely people, an opinion which I still hold!

J had already met my sister a few times, as we were first introduced through her partner. To help out, the two of them also came to visit when I introduced J to my parents. Fortunately this meeting also went very well. Everyone was trying their best to be welcoming and friendly, and after sharing a bottle of wine and a tasty meal, the ice was well and truly broken.

Realising how unprepared both J and I had been for these meetings, though, but also acknowledging how lucky we both were to love each other's families, we knew that one day the in-laws would also have to meet each other. As they live several hours journey from each other, and from us, this occasion didn't present itself until sometime after we got engaged. In contradiction to previous family meetings, we attempted to plan this one. Preparing each other's parents with stories of the other, making sure they had things to talk about and do, even some space when necessary. Eventually we were able to pick a suitable weekend for J's parents to stay at my parents' house. However, we soon realised that this was real life, not a work of fiction, and there was no way to script and plan how the weekend would pan out! After some awkward small talk and everyone on their best behaviour, we all started to relax and a pleasant time was had by all.

Just another aspect of my new life I'm beginning to get used to as a soon-to-be-married woman! Extended families, parents and siblings-in-law, and adopted grandmothers and great-aunts! Both J and I are very lucky to have caring, close families, and I know how much I love and am grateful for my own family, especially my parents, in this somewhat stressing and manic time, despite disagreements! So, I would welcome my in-laws to stay anytime, but it is nice to have our home to ourselves again!

Until next time.